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Our Challenging Little Sleeper

"When you're getting no sleep, it becomes an obssession"


Our journey with terrible sleep began in the hospital. Upon meeting Charlotte at only 18 hours old, our lovely Paeditrician casually mentioned that she was "very alert". I gave my husband a side eye thinking "what does this mean for us?".

We were also told by the nurses to wake the baby every 4 hours for a feed. Except, we never had to wake Charlotte for a feed. She was already awake, every 2 hours or less. Now, we could have tried to settle her in other ways, but when babies are newborns, you're not exactly going to deprive them of food or comfort and if she wanted boob, I was going to give it to her. I wasn't sure if the frequent feedings was normal but learnt quickly that the scale for "normal" in newborns and babies is vast and wide. And all that mattered was getting her weight up and thriving.


I breastfed on demand until Charlotte was well into toddlerhood and I don't regret it. However it did bring many, many challenges. She never took a bottle, or dummy. I felt alot of pressure, responsibility, resentment and felt very isolated at times. I would often find myself in a dark room, away from friends and family trying to get this baby to feed or to sleep. As we had an alert baby, she was often distracted when feeding, hence the need for a quiet, darkened room.

As her growing body was only reliant on me, I couldn't leave her, at all. I found myself not enjoying the newborn stage and I was often scared to be alone with her because of the overwhelming pressure I felt to being her sole life source. In saying that, the cuddles and the noises she made while feeding and the way she would stare into my eyes during those lonely hours, MY GOSH, melted me completely. It was truly a beautiful time, a real love bubble. My neck muscles became sore during the first week because I spent most of my time staring at her beautiful face while she fed. My muscles eventually corrected so I could stare at her pain free eventually.


I did end up getting diagnosed with postpartum anxiety (PPA), as I also struggled to leave the house, and worried about every little thing to do with Charlotte. What if she doesn't sleep in the car? What if she screams the whole way in the car? What if she doesn't latch? What if, what if, what if?


I missed out on alot and I will try to do things differently when we have a second baby, but when you're in the trenches of PPA, everything is difficult and I truly felt crippled.

Among all these challenges, sleep was a major factor. I very much enjoyed sleep BC (before Charlotte) and bed was one of my favourite places in the world.

So not only was my whole life turned upside down with a baby, I wasn't getting any sleep. Charlotte was awake every 1.5 - 3 hours until she was 7 months old. Sleep is a huge part of our health and well-being and I genuinely felt like my brain was dying from lack of sleep. I even hallucinated one day. Not good.


I kept reading about how you need a 4 hour stretch of sleep to restore your brain. How was I supposed to do that when she woke earlier than that and I was the only one who could feed her? Did I mention she never took the bottle? And even if she did, when was I supposed to pump? I was already trying to fit in breastfeeding, showering, eating, sleeping when I could, I couldn't get my head around pumping as well. It all felt too hard.


After one particular brutal night of wakes and feedings I broke down (again) to my husband Matt (who was an absolute superstar and hero during this period). He told me "I'm hiring a sleep consultant tomorrow". Music to my ears but also a terrifying thought for someone who has PPA and is triggered by her daughter crying.

I cried when the consultant sent through their sleep training plans because I was devastated at the thought of leaving my baby to cry alone. One of the options was to do the check-ins or Ferber method and the other was a gentle in room method. She was breastfed to sleep her whole life at this point (7 months) and I didn't want to leave her alone. The consultant realised this and recommended a gentle sleep training method which we implemented.

Matt did the first 3 days to take the pressure off me. He even took some days off work to really commit to the process. I would breastfeed Charlotte and keep her awake, then hand her off to Matt for books, cuddles and laying her in he cot awake. It was very hard on the heart because she did cry and would nestle into Matt, trying to fall asleep on him. After all, she was used to falling asleep on me while feeding. We were incredibly blessed to have the means to hire someone and it wasn't as bad as we thought it was going to be. We were overjoyed.

The consultant not only gave me my evenings back with Matt, I felt lighter. She gave us routines and age appropriate schedules. It was amazing. Best money we had ever spent. Even though we sleep trained our baby, it felt more like she consultant trained us. We were the ones that needed to do the hard work, we needed the education. Charlotte genuinely surprised us and continues to surprise us with how capable and strong she is.


The thing is, I knew so much about baby sleep because I would obsessively research every day about it. When you're getting no sleep, it becomes an obssession. However, when it comes to your own baby, coupled with a PPA diagnosis, I needed more help. I needed to be held accountable and also have my hand held during the process.

For 7 months, I spent every evening in my room trying to get Charlotte to sleep for hours. I missed my husband, I missed eating a hot dinner, I missed having my body to myself. Before sleep training I spent from 7-10pm every night settling, feeding, crying. I would then come out and eat dinner and go to bed. I was shell of a human.

The consultant really helped us and to this day (3 years later), we have the same bedtime routine. We did fall back into some "bad" habits here and there when Charlotte became sick as a baby and toddler. Even as a sleep trained kid, she was sometimes still a challenge to get to sleep. She has a serious case of FOMO and doesn't stop talking until her head is on the pillow. Ultimately, she slept through the night consistently when I weaned her entirely off the boob.

To this day, sleep can still be difficult. We have even had instances of driving up the coast 4 hours and she didn't sleep until we arrived into the destination (as a 7 month old AND as a toddler she did this). Frustrated, looking at each other while she screams, Matt and I get enraged wondering "In what world does a baby or toddler not sleep on a four hour journey?!" We even left before nap time, as per recommendations. She would rather scream for half an hour and pass out from exhaustion. She was like this as a newborn too. I remember walking her for HOURS as a newborn in the stroller and she stilll wouldn't fall asleep. Again, "In what world does a newborn not sleep in a stroller?!" Our world. Our child. And maybe some of your babies. It's frustrating, it's exhausting, it's draining.


Over the last couple of years we have tried other tactics of getting better sleep after we fell back into those "bad" habits or she regressed. I moved into the guest room so I could get a good stretch of sleep to get my brain functioning again. Matt would tend to har during night wakes and he had some rough nights for sure. But she soon got the message that boob wasn't available at night (she was 15 months when we night weaned). I always thought once you sleep trained a baby that would be it. HA! No. For more energetic children, you may have to do it again and again...


We tried to do everything right. The sleep environment, the temperature, the swaddle, the wake windows. Sometimes you can do everything right and your baby will still do what they please. Every baby is different. They can be little torture chambers but my gosh don't we love them?

It's been a long journey. But now as a 3 year old, Charlotte sleeps from 8pm-7am often not waking at all. Sometimes just for a short cuddle, and that's ok. I still get triggered when I hear her at night, my anxiety runs riot, my heart rate increases but things are much much better than they used to be. A good nights sleep is so beneficial and now I love to help others get the same.


Angela

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